Don't touch the Ketchup, it might Explode
by Verbally Inescapable
Summary: Alfred and Arthur are roommates in university; both with different goals for their college years. Arthur is there for a good education, whilst Alfred is looking for fun, and a great social life. When Arthur refuses Alfred any attention, they end up at war. A prank war. One can only guess how that will turn out.
1. Computer mice and post-it-notes

**Don't touch the Ketchup, it might Explode**

 **Part One**

 **You were cute, but then you put leaves in my bed**

 **Written by: Verbally Inescapable and KyoshiWarrior**

 **Rated T for coarse language and probably sexual references France is in this okay**

 **Disclaimer: We do not own anything but the story itself. The various characters, places, movies, books, brands, etc. belong to their respectful owners.**

 **Enjoy ^^**

* * *

 **Prologue - Computer mice and post-it-notes**

* * *

"You stupid, inconsiderate, irresponsible, childish twit! How could you do that to me!?" Alfred F. Jones stared blankly at his fuming British roommate, Arthur Kirkland. He had been watching "The Winter Soldier" for the ump-teenth time, definitely not nearly crying at the ending, when the loud roar of annoyance came from the other end of the room.

"Do what?!" Alfred asked confused. Arthur rolled his eyes and held out a little square of a sticky note. Alfred felt a devious grin slide on his face as he burst out laughing at the familiar yellow post-it note, reading:

"Gotcha Artie! XD

-Alfred!"

"Oh, haha. Very funny Alfred." Arthur stood, arms crossed angrily, tapping a foot in irritation. He had a strong urge to strangle the younger man in front of him, but that would mean going to jail for homicide, so that idea was out. "Thanks to you I didn't have time to finish my literary analysis! What could have possibly possessed you to do such a thing!?"

"Wait wait wait!" Alfred said holding a hand out in a stop motion, winding down from his little laughing fit, before busting up again. "I… oh my God... okay, how long did it take to figure it out?" He spoke between gasps, trying to regain his breath.

It'd started as a way to get attention. Arthur had ignored the boy for almost a week, opting to work ahead of the class. (Who even does that!?) Anyways, Alfred read somewhere that after putting a sticky note over the sensor on the mouse, it wouldn't work.

"That-That doesn't matter! Just answer my question! Why the hell would you even do that?" Alfred cast his sky blue eyes on the shorter man's face. His vivid green eyes glinting dangerously, thick eyebrows furrowed in a scowl. This caused him to smile wider. It was so easy to rile the Brit up!

"Because." Alfred answered with a shrug he pulled out his phone to text Gilbert, one of his best friends, and tell him about the awesome prank.

"Because?" Arthur repeated in a challenging tone, expecting Alfred to change his answer. He raised an impressive eyebrow at his American roommate.

"Yup." Alfred responded, popping the 'p' sound at the end of the word, and not looking up from the device in his hand. "Because." Arthur felt his eye twitch in annoyance.

"Okay." Arthur answer walking out of the room briskly. If he was going to be that way, two could play that game.

* * *

 **So, quick confession, I like seeing things like: 'wow' 'so amazing' 'great grammar' on my work but you know what i really like?**

 **'no' 'oh my god' 'my heart' 'no, not my babies!' 'nonono fuck you' 'I AM SLAIN' 'who gave you the right' 'don't touch me' 'but seriously fuck that'**

 **This will be fun won't it?**

 **So, here's Kyoshi and I's lovely, unoriginal-but-kinda-also-yeah-original-and-totally-realistic-because-I'm-serious-colleges-are-infamous-for-their-pranks fanfiction "Don't touch the Ketchup, it might Explode". This fic will span over Alfred F Jones and Arthur Kirkland's first three years at university, allowing you to witness first-hand how the two adorkable tsunderes fall for each other. With the encouragement from their new friends. I'm not sure if encouragement is the right word.**

 **Anyway, I hope you enjoy this. It should update semi-regularly I really don't know, school is a pain, but we'll try our best!**

 **(oh, and the cover? I drew it :3 it's not the best but it's the best I've got)**

 _ **-Verbally Inescapable  
**_


	2. Coffee creamer and Alka-Seltzers

**Chapter One – Coffee creamer and Alka-Seltzers**

* * *

When Arthur had come to Harvard University, he had come in hopes of a good education with as little problems as possible. So, when Alfred had come to the same university, to make friends, play pranks, do some work, etc. etc., and they were assigned the same dorm room, it was inevitable they would either complement each other greatly, or bicker about every. little. thing.

"Could you turn off your bloody Xbox and do some work?"

"I don't have any work!"

Arthur turned around and stared at the teenage boy with a skeptical look on his face. "Alfred, your desk is literally _covered_ in paper and action figures. You _cannot_ tell me you have no work."

"Those are just some of my fanfiction ideas."

"Your fanfictions sure have a lot to do with Math." Arthur observed.

"But-"

"Hurry up and do your work," Arthur sighed, shaking his head and turning back to his own assignment. "I'm not going to be the one to help you do all your work in the middle of the night because you didn't finish when you had time to."

"Hey!" Alfred snapped around from his new seat at his own desk to face the Brit. "I think you're forgetting what university we're at. I don't expect you had much trouble getting in, but the rest of us had to work for it."

Arthur's eyes widened, but quickly recovered (he didn't need Alfred knowing he had been caught off guard).

Arthur turned back to his work. "I suppose you know what you're doing then."

 **-D.K.E-**

"Hey, Artie~! Art-" Alfred stopped mid-sentence and stared at Arthur from the door. "Are you... doing work...?"

Arthur hummed in response from his perch on his pillow at the head of the bed, not looking up from his laptop, which sat precariously on his thighs.

"Why?" Alfred's confused expression quickly turned smug. "Don't tell me you're behind on work."

Arthur snorted. "Of course not, I'm working on some blasted assignment my amazing teacher gave us three days in! It's not like I have anything else to do anyway."

Alfred might've been oblivious, no, Alfred definitely was oblivious, but the sarcasm in the other's words was so thick, it could've been cut with a knife. He did understand what the Brit was feeling though, he'd had his fair share of teachers, and there were plenty of bad ones.

"Well, I was just going to ask if you'd like to get some lunch or something! Ya' know, with me and some of my other friends!" Alfred chirped.

"No thank you." Arthur answered almost immediately, taking a second to type something up. His eyes flickered up to the other, before returning to the device.

Alfred, on the other hand, just looked confused. "Why not? You just said you had nothing better to do."

"Yes," Arthur began. "But giving up good study time to go on shopping sprees with friends is completely counter-productive, unless you plan to buy one of those multiplication charts you can look at while on the potty."

Despite himself, Alfred snorted. "Dude, we're going out to lunch, not buy Barbie dolls, and I do use the toilet, not a potty, thank you very much."

"I wasn't thinking Barbies, more like My Little Pony." Arthur couldn't help the sly smile that slid onto his face as Alfred's expression became one of pure horror.

"How?!"

Arthur's smile widened. "Maybe you should close your computer tabs next time, and not leave it out for the world to see."

"On my bed is not 'out for the world to see'!" Alfred retorted. "What were you even doing looking at my laptop?" He narrowed his eyes at his roommate.

"Well excuse me," Arthur began sarcastically. "But I have to say, 'Pinkie Pride' is an amazing episode!"

"A-" Alfred's cut himself off and his eyes widened. "You like the show too? Do my ears deceive me?" He fell to his knees in shock. "Is _the_ Arthur Kirkland a fellow Brony?"

Arthur buried his face back into the biography he'd picked up from beside his feet and mumbled something about acting 'over-dramatic'. His cheeks reddened as he replied a little louder. "Y-yes, now didn't you need to go out with your friends?!"

"Oh, yeah!" Alfred jumped and started towards the door. "See ya Artie~!"

The door slammed shut as Alfred's footsteps raced down the hallway.

"It's Arthur." The Brit mumbled from the pages of the book.

But, as a student once said:

"Things mightn't turn out the way you expect, but they'll always turn out for the better."

 **-D.K.E-**

Arthur stared blankly at the computer screen, feeling distracted and utterly _brain dead_ after the events of yesterday.

Due to Alfred's childish little prank, Arthur was now behind on his Literary essay.

"Bloody _brilliant_." Arthur muttered, rubbing his tired face, sore from attempting to stare into the non-existent soul of the laptop.

"Ur, I'm sorry to disturb you, but are you okay?"

Arthur looked up to see two cloudy brown eyes and jet black hair framing a rather pale face.

"Ah, I'm fine, it's just-..." " _How to say this..."_ Arthur thought. "I was disturbed whilst working and now I'm slightly behind."

"Oh, that doesn't sound very good, I'm sorry to hear that." The man stared at the blackboard and seemed to shake his head to himself, but then looked back to the Brit. "If you don't mind me asking, what was distracting you?"

Arthur shook his head. "Oh no! It's perfectly fine, uhh...?"

"Oh, it's Kiku, Honda Kiku," Kiku bowed slightly in his seat before realizing his error and holding out his hand. "I moved to America from Japan two years ago."

 _"That explains the accent..."_ Arthur thought, taking his hand. "I'm Arthur Kirkland, I moved here from England, I'd say... almost fourteen years ago, when I was seven. Nice to meet you Kiku, as for your question..."

Arthur thought back to the previous afternoon. After Alfred had finished his movie and cleaned his face - wet with more than just tears - he had decided to play 'Call of Duty : Ghosts' on that Xbox One, chatting loudly with friends while simultaneously working on schoolwork. Arthur couldn't focus or get anything done and _was that hissing noise someone laughing?_

"My roommate was playing some multiplayer shooting game and kept me up half the night, I couldn't even focus on my assignment." Arthur sighed. "I hardly got five hours of sleep."

"That sounds terrible," Kiku frowned. "My roommate doesn't bother me much... or at all actually," his frown became deeper. "I think he's asleep half the time..."

Arthur turned back to his work, feeling another headache coming on from just looking at the website. " _I'm going to need some of those painkillers when I get back to the dorm..."_ Arthur's eyes widened. " _Wait."_

"Kiku?"

The Japanese man turned back to face Arthur. "Yes, Arthur?"

"You might not know, but don't those Alka-seltzer tablets fizz when mixed with liquid?" Arthur knew what he was thinking was rather wild, but...

"Well," Kiku took a breath. "When I was still in Japan, I heard from a cousin of mine that some of the people in his grade played a prank on their teacher. They crushed up some of those painkillers and replaced her coffee creamer with the powder. When she put in a spoonful of the 'coffee creamer'," Kiku made little quotation marks with his fingers. "The coffee went everywhere."

Arthur glanced at the clock, he had 10 minutes of class left before he had a spare.

The Brit turned back to face his friend. "Thank you Kiku."

Kiku shook his head. "Oh no, it's fine Arthur, it was a pleasure."

"Likewise." Arthur nodded and turned back to his laptop. Oh, was Alfred going to get it!

 **-D.K.E-**

Arthur literally _skipped_ back to the dorm, earning him some rather... bewildered looks, but who was he to care? He was filled with adrenaline, he was so excited!

He reached the door to his dorm and entered, closing the door quietly behind him. As he reclined against the cool wood the adrenaline rushing through him settled, and he got to work.

He tiptoed into the bathroom and grabbed the packet of Alka-seltzers. " _I'll have to buy more after this..."_ Arthur made a mental note to himself to go to the shops later that day as he ambled into the **(pitifully small)** kitchen. He searched around for something to crush the tablets with until he settled for a rolling pin.

After crushing **(beating the living hell out of)** the painkillers on a tray, he took Alfred's coffee creamer and emptied the powdery contents into a plastic bag.

He hid the bag in the back of one of the cupboards, making sure it couldn't be _accidentally_ seen, before tipping the crushed Alka-seltzers into the plastic container and screwing the lid shut.

After admiring his work for one, two minutes, Arthur gathered his things and left for his next class; giggling like a little girl all the way.

 **-D.K.E-**

"Alfred Jones I swear to God if you do not get up and turn your clock off I will rip it from the wall and strangle you with the cord!"

Alfred finally roused himself from his deep sleep and wiped at his eyes blearily. After fumbling around his bedside table, he managed to turn off the alarm and locate his glasses. He listened half-heartedly to the incoherent grumbling of the still sleeping Brit. With a chuckle and a shake of his head, Alfred threw back the covers.

Slipping into a pair of slippers, Alfred stretched, and yawned making his routine trip to the kitchen. He pushed the start button on his coffee machine and plugged in the electric kettle for Arthur. He trudged back to their bedroom.

"Up." He grunted, throwing a pillow at Arthur, who groaned and pulled the blanket over his head.

"Remind me why we scheduled a class so early." Came the complaint.

"Come on. You love school!" Alfred replied grabbing a change of clothes and slipping them on quickly.

"Tch. Sure, when it's not 6-bloody-AM." He mumbled back.

"I decided to be a nice person and start the kettle for your leaf water." Alfred prompted, pulling the blanket back from a startled roommate.

"Oi! Let me sleep!"

"How do you even need more sleep you went to bed at like 10!?" Alfred asked as the other finally sat up.

"Well if _someone_ hadn't stayed up so late watching movies, then maybe I'd have actually gotten some sleep."

Alfred just snorted and walked back to the kitchen. _"Grumpy British guys."_ He muttered to himself. He poured some coffee into a mug and grabbed his coffee creamer from the cupboard. He absentmindedly took a teaspoon and dumped it into the steaming drink.

A mountain of foam bubbled from the mug, spilling onto the counter and the floor. Alfred's face morphed into a look of confused terror before it hit him.

"ARTHUR!" Alfred yelled warningly. A loud fit of laughter came from the bedroom as Alfred stormed in its direction. " _Oh it is on."_

* * *

 **I wonder if I should have told you they'll be more like this length... nah. About 7 pages in Microsoft Word, 1847 words in total. I don't like how it looks like so much on paper but then FanFiction makes it look so small... heck, even the word count makes it small.**

 **I think we'll try to update fortnightly...? I don't know, it'll probably be more like... threenightly no stop Verbally that's not a word uhh... it really depends. I know summer holidays are coming so I guess that's more writing time for (one of) us and a lot more reading time for you guys. I hope you guys have a great summer vacation, don't break any limbs and don't get cancer, that'd ruin the fun, please don't thank you. If any of you are bored enough to jump of a roof I'm sure you're bored enough to write a review, constructive criticism is really useful.**

 **Again, neither Kyoshi nor I own squat. Like sure I own a toothbrush and Kyoshi owns a Hetalia shirt but we don't own Hetalia, MLP;FiM or anything else however much we might want to. If that was the case... let's not go there.**

 _ **-Verbally Inescapable**_


	3. Foghorns Foghorns everywhere

**Chapter Two – Foghorns. Foghorns everywhere.**

* * *

Alfred stared blankly at the various products before him. He'd seen him take packets out of the cupboard millions of times, so why couldn't he remember what type he used?

Alfred imagined what would happen if he brought back the wrong brand, Arthur would need some of his leaf water after rushing to finish his essay. The blond shuddered, and promptly stopped imagining.

 **From: Alfred [8:42]**

 **Hey Artie what tea do u get?**

Better safe than sorry (in this case).

Arthur was struggling with a defiant sock as he replied to the text:

 **From: Arthur [8:42]**

 **Twinings, Decaffeinated Earl Grey. It's in a yellow box, hurry up.**

Alfred scanned the shelves and quickly grabbed two boxes. He ran to find the painkillers and milk (two things they had run out of, after yesterday's events) and was almost to the checkouts when something caught his eye.

Anyone that saw Alfred's face as he was walking up to the cash register would have thought he'd won five hundred dollars, but as far as Alfred was concerned, he had.

$7 dollars for 5 foghorns was a damn good price!

 **-D.K.E-**

Alfred jogged down the hallway, sifting through the shopping bag, trying to hide the foghorns in the assortment of tiny little action figures, Pokémon cards, and things he actually needed.

He pulled out the box of Alka-seltzers as he approached their dorm, only to have them wrenched out of his hand as Arthur sped out the doorway. The American watched his roommate sprint down the hallway before drifting into the **(again, pitifully small)** kitchen.

He started to unload the contents of the bag into the cupboards, but then he reached the foghorns.

Alfred shoved the remaining groceries into the pantry and threw his impulse buys onto his bed. He contemplated where to put his beautiful pieces of plastic, when he had an epiphany. 3 of them. Boy, was Arthur going to be pissed!

 **-D.K.E-**

After hiding two of the foghorns in his bedside drawer and borrowing some duct tape from Gilbert Beilschmidt - a smug albino with a severe case of Mephobia - Alfred got to work.

Or, you know, Gilbert could help.

The German ("Prussian!") quivered in excitement as he followed Alfred across the yard.

"This is gonna be so much fun," Gilbert commented as he tossed the roll of duct tape from hand to hand. "You're gonna scare the shit outta Art!"

Alfred snickered. "Yeah, remember that time you toilet papered Roderich's house?"

Gilbert couldn't contain his laughter as he remembered the 20 toilet paper rolls decorating the Edelsteins' house that fateful Christmas Eve. "Francis and Antonio have the best ideas, heh?"

"So original." The blond agreed, albeit rather sarcastically.

"Says the guy using foghorns." Gilbert gave him a smirk as they entered the dorm, Arthur and Alfred's room was at the top.

On their way up the numerous sets of stairs, the two friends talked about their high school years and the crazy things they did. Even though they had known each other for years, having gone to different high schools gave them countless conversation starters.

"I never knew Frenchie-face and Artie were friends!" Alfred admitted, although any passer-by wouldn't think any differently. "Francis is so straightforward while Arthur's just so..."

"I'll admit, Arthur looks like a drag nowadays, but you should've seen him..." Gilbert's smile grew larger and larger.

"What?" Alfred could feel his face mirroring Gilbert's.

"Isn't this your room?"

The American realized they were standing outside his door. "Oh yeah, hold on-"

He took out the key to the dorm in the pockets of his jeans and opened the door with a flourish. "Ta-daa~!"

"Oh my god."

"I know."

"It's so beautiful!"

"I know!"

Gilbert ran into the room as his gaze flickered from one thing to another, "The carpet is so dirty! And the windows have fingerprint stains on them!" He finally settled for collapsing onto Alfred's bed. "Just my kinda room!"

Closing the door behind him as he entered the room, Alfred chuckled. "I can't wait to see your room, maybe it'll make me feel good about the mess."

Lucky for Gilbert, Alfred couldn't see the albino's grimace. "Oh yeah... wait until you do..."

Alfred picked up the three foghorns he had left on the bench and handed one to Gilbert, who was moving a few stray action figures from underneath his back.

"Don't use it."

The Prussian pretended he hadn't been about to do just that.

"So..." Gilbert got to his feet. "Where were you going to put these?" He gestured to the foghorn.

Alfred ripped off a long piece of tape. "Well, I was planning on putting one under his bed."

"How's that gonna work?" Gilbert raised an eyebrow.

The blond smirked, his blue eyes glowing. "No idea."

5 minutes later, Gilbert was desperately trying to hold up the end of Arthur's bed and Alfred was figuring out how, exactly, this was going to work.

"I guess... if we put it between the bars, and then taped it _to_ the bars..." Alfred wondered.

"Sounds good." Gilbert grunted, his fingers begging to relax. "Go with that."

The American placed the foghorn just underneath the mattress and taped the sides of the can to the wooden bars.

Gilbert lowered his head to take a peek at Alfred's handiwork. "I'm not sure if you used enough tape." He smirked at the mess.

"You think?" Alfred blinked at the poor foghorn, trying to comprehend how more could even fit on there. It took the albino a few seconds to realize that the American didn't understand.

"No, I was being sarcastic." Gilbert rolled his eyes. "Now get out before you're crushed."

After lowering the bed gently, the duo fixed the slightly rumpled bed sheets.

"Where now?" Gilbert asked.

"The bathroom," a grin crossed Alfred's face. "He'll have to go sooner or later, and everyone'll know it."

As they stepped into the bathroom, the Prussian laughed. "That's pretty evil bro, but where are you gonna put it, behind the door?"

"Yup!"

Gilbert's gaze snapped to the blond as if in shock, yet Alfred continued using the door to find the perfect place to tape the weapon.

"Why don't you tape it to the door handle? Honestly, this is why neither of you are in Ravenclaw."

The new voice made both of them jump, panicked that perhaps Arthur had come back early (although he was actually in the classroom, racking his brain, trying to think of a good concluding line) but when they turned, they realized it was just a very French, very half-naked man standing on the other side of the door frame.

"I've come to give you my notes, Gilbert." The Frenchman handed the albino several pieces of pristine, white paper.

"And I've come to give you a shirt, Francis, no one wants to see that!" Alfred reached for a shirt and shoved it at Francis.  
"I beg to differ..." Francis muttered as he slipped on the red T-shirt.

"Try that." Gilbert nodded at Alfred. "Tape it to the door handle, so when Art opens the door it goes off."

"Ah, okay."

While Alfred worked on the foghorn and attempted to keep it parallel to the floor, Gilbert and Francis sat on the lounge chair and chatted for a while.

Francis brushed his dirty blond hair out of his eyes, several strands coming free of his small ponytail. "I didn't realize Arthur was rooming with Alfred." He stated.

"I guess he hasn't really said anything," Gilbert agreed. "But we've only just started the year."

"That's true." Francis smiled.

There was a pause.

"... So what exactly is happening here?"

"Oh!" The albino's attention snapped back to the Frenchman, which had since been drifting to the windows. "Arthur did something to Alfred's coffee creamer, it overflowed and now he's trying to get Art back."

"Looks like Arthur hasn't lost his sense of humor then." Francis laughed.

Gilbert smirked. "So where's Toni? Has he got a class? I can't remember." Francis and Antonio's dorms were next to each other, so they often knew where the other was. Unfortunately, Gilbert was in a whole other building.

"Oui, he has biology with Lovino." The blond recalled.

"Okay! I've done it!" The two turned to face the bathroom door, where Alfred cheered. "The damn thing kept slipping off the handle... really annoying."

"I'm too scared to look..." Francis muttered.

"You should have seen the bed." The albino almost laughed.

The Frenchman's eyes widened, and he shrunk back into the lounge. "Mon dieu..."

"Wait, what about the last foghorn?" Gilbert glanced at the object, discarded on a nearby table.

Before answering, Alfred walked over to the seat and plopped down in between the others. He turned to the Prussian, his sky blue eyes shining with laughter in the midday sun. "You'll find out."

 **-D.K.E-**

Thank. Bloody. Heavens.

Arthur sighed as he tossed his bag on his desk carelessly and walked towards the kitchen area of his dorm. Finally, he was done with his afternoon classes!

"Alfred?!" Arthur called out checking to see if his roommate was around somewhere. He knew the other didn't have any classes so he figured the other was probably out with his friends.

After adding the water and plugging in the cord for his electric kettle, Arthur sat at his desk to read his latest book. He turned the page a bit quickly and felt the instant sting of a paper cut. The finger was pulled to his mouth as he tried and ease the sharp pain. The college student pushed out of his desk chair and made a beeline for the bathroom, throwing open the door.

Arthur yelped, jumping up and back like a scared kitten, totally unprepared for the ear-splitting honk echoing off the bathroom tiles. His hand flew to his chest as he tried to calm his beating heart. "Bloody hell." He mumbled, bewildered.

As if someone was watching him, Arthur glanced around the room before cautiously walking into the bathroom. He eased the door in the opposite direction to see the problem.

Was that an air horn? Duck taped to the handle?

"Alfred Fucking JONES!"

3 incredibly rude, life threatening texts to a certain blond American, 2 cups of tea, and a voicemail containing a promise of revenge later, Arthur was back at his desk seat. The surface was getting uncomfortable and his lower back was starting to ache.

"Gah!" Arthur muttered as he stood up without taking his eyes off of the page. He turned and backed up towards the general direction of his bed. After knocking into the edge of the mattress, Arthur _gracefully_ launched himself back onto the neat bedding, only to scramble off seconds later and hit his head on the side of his end table.

"Another one?!" Arthur groaned feeling his forehead. He pulled his hand away from the injury to see the faint red sign of blood on his fingertips. "Smashing." Arthur huffed dryly to himself.

The irritated blonde cleaned himself up (careful to not open the bathroom door roughly) and wandered to the **(teensy)** kitchen to get a snack. He rummaged through one of the top cupboards and found nothing of interest. Switching to the middle cabinet Arthur pulled open the door and stared incomprehensively at the contents.

Alfred was curled up inside the cupboard. Alone, and sleeping.

"Alfred?" Arthur questioned still confused. The boy startled letting out a loud sleepy sounding noise. Arthur coughed not so discreetly and the blue eyed American turned his head in Arthur's direction.

Suddenly Alfred whipped out another one of his air horns and used it right in the other's face. Arthur's confused look turned cold. He closed the door and retreated.

Alfred jumped out of the cupboard as quickly as he could and stumbled after his annoyed British roommate.

"Why didn't you jump? That was the best one! Pretty clever if you ask me. Amiright!?" Alfred babbled arrogantly.

"I suggest you check your phone's messages." Arthur said coolly.

"What?" Alfred asked, wrinkling his nose and pulling out his phone. Arthur watched Alfred as his face paled and he gulped visibly. "Hehe…" Alfred laughed nervously.

* * *

 **Updates are gonna be like… every fourth week. We have a few chapters already lined up but I'd prefer not to use them unnecessarily, y'know? Also, don't worry about profanity shortages, they're not going away anytime soon.**

 **Uhm, what else…? Oh yes, punk!England confurmed und those foghorns will not be forgotten. Salami is good.**

 _ **-Verbally Inescapable**_


	4. Shrinking shoes and switching seats

**Chapter Three – Shrinking shoes and switching seats**

* * *

"So, Artie?"

"Leave me alone." The Brit mumbled, and he held his book closer to his face.

Completely ignoring his roommate, Alfred pulled the quilt off of the other to see him curled up with a copy of some book.

Arthur glared at the other blond. "Didn't you hear me the first time? I said leave me alone."

"Oh, I heard you." Alfred had a smug look on his face as he replied, causing Arthur's frown to deepen. "I just wanted to know if you'd like to go to the movies with me and some friends."

Arthur's green eyes were practically shooting daggers at the American by now, however, Alfred seemed unfazed. "Do I look like I want to?"

"Dude, you didn't even leave your bed yesterday."

"Maybe because I wanted some rest after nearly getting a concussion you twat!" Arthur huffed, and crossed his arms. "And I did so leave my bed. To go to the loo, eat, drink, shower-"

Alfred rolled his eyes. "Whatever, you're coming with me whether you like it or not. We're going to watch 'Let's be Cops!', Gilbert picked it out, and it looks really funny. I'm taking a shower and if you're not changed by the time I'm done I'll drag you out in whatever you're wearing."

"You wouldn't." Arthur challenged.

"I would!" Alfred smiled, but his blue eyes showed he was dead serious. He gathered some clothes and a towel, and left the small bedroom, leaving Arthur to drag himself out of bed and get ready.

After changing into something decent, the Brit looked for anything that could let him stay in bed. Studying, reading, anything but watching one of Alfred's damned movies.

Within a few minutes, Arthur had found a box of tissues and the pair of sneakers his roommate would likely be wearing.

"Damn American..." He muttered. The blond had found himself a seat beside the door and had started shoving tissues into the tips of Alfred's shoes. "Can't he just leave me in peace? I was reading, and it's almost lunchtime." His stomach growled. "What an absolute nob, that's what he is..."

Arthur continued stuffing the other's shoes until they were almost two sizes smaller. He was actually rather happy with his work-

Thud.

"Oww..."

Only after quickly putting Alfred's shoes back where they were and the tissue box in its original place did Arthur call out - with a joyful undertone - to his roommate. "Did you break a leg? Do you need to go to the doctors?"

"I just slipped okay?" The American shouted back.

After a few minutes, Alfred left the bathroom and went to put his shoes on. However - unbeknownst to him - Arthur sat rigidly in his seat behind the other, totally-not-looking-at-Alfred-what-are-you-talking-about and waiting for his ingenious plan to unfold! Before long, Alfred was trying to force the sneakers onto his feet.

"Dude, these fit like two days ago and now they've shrunk?" Alfred looked like he'd just witnessed a fish drown, upset yet extremely intrigued as to how it even happened.

"Well that's too bad, what a shame! It looks like we can't go then!" Arthur replied, possibly a bit too enthusiastically.

"It's fine!" Alfred reassured Arthur before pulling out another pair of shoes. "I've got more!"

Arthur let out a sigh of defeat. "Should've known..."

 **-D.K.E-**

"Hola, mis amigos! Francis, Gilbert, they're here!"

Across the street the two roommates could see a rather tanned brunette waving and beckoning for his two friends to join him.

"You invited the BTT?"

Alfred turned to Arthur with a confused look on his face. "BTT?" He asked.

"'Bad Touch Trio', or 'Bad Friend Trio' if you prefer." Arthur looked back at the three men across the road. "They got their name from their high school reputation.

Antonio Fernández Carriedo might just be the most happy-go-lucky man you'll ever meet. He was on nearly every team at school, and is mostly known for his bizarre attraction to Lovino Vargas; who he's known for years. He's almost never mad and is an absolute disaster at reading the atmosphere, because of this he can appear somewhat insensitive but he means well. Antonio's the type to ask you about a book you're reading even though he has no interest in it.

Gilbert Beilschmidt - you know him - dropout material if I've ever seen it. He managed to pass every year thanks to his friends and little brother, but all he's ever really wanted to do is make some noise. If there was any kind of uproar, you could bet Gilbert was in the middle of it. He has an arrogant attitude and frankly, I'm surprised his blog hasn't fucktupled in size due to his massive ego. Despite all that he's a very loyal person and loves his little brother to bits.

And then there's Francis Bonnefoy, flirting with anything and everything since he could talk. It's almost impossible to describe him without talking about his French roots, he hardly bothers to remember English and considers French 'the language of love'. Francis is... like a big brother, he seems to love interfering with others' business and giving advice. He's wise beyond his years and he loves taking advantage of it.

I spent a lot of time with them in school." Arthur glanced up at the street lights, waiting for them to switch so they could cross. "They're not bad people, in fact they're great, it's just... the things that earned them their name."

Alfred laughed. "I guess no one's changed that much?"

"Not really, no."

The light turned green and the duo crossed, the BTT greeting them as they neared.

"Hey, Al, Art!" The roommates were pulled into a crushing hug by Gilbert.

"Hi, Gil!" Alfred choked out before he was released from the albino's grip.

"You remember Toni, right Al?" Gilbert gestured to the brunette from before. Up closer you could see that he had green eyes, and somewhat curly hair. He had a large smile, and a sort of relaxed posture.

"Uh huh! Hey," Alfred's eyes widened behind his glasses. "Didn't we play against each other that one time? The Olean Huskies vs. the Bradford Owls?"

Antonio gasped. "Wait, were you that Jones?"

"Totally dude! But man, you were like a bullet...!"

"They remember all this?" Arthur asked Gilbert.

"The two teams have had a 100 yearlong rivalry, who wouldn't?" The Prussian explained. "But I was there. Those compliments aren't exactly exaggerations, it was pretty fierce."

"Small world, isn't it?"

"I hate to ruin your lovely reunion, but if we're going to watch this movie we'd better head in now." Francis's heavily accented voice caused them all to turn to the Frenchman, who was standing just outside the entrance to the movies.

"All right, let's watch this awesome movie!" Gilbert declared at the top of his lungs. "I can't wait to see stuff get blown up!"

As they entered the building and felt the breeze of the cool A/C, Gilbert continued to ramble about explosions to poor Alfred and Francis had to agree with Gilbert's previous comment. "Oui, it certainly looks like a fun movie."

"The trailers made it look really good, full of action, comedy," Antonio turned to Arthur. "Maybe you'll like it."

The Brit had also seen the ads, and now that he was here he was - in all honesty - _slightly_ looking forward to watching the movie. Arthur liked movies, it wasn't as if he didn't, but he couldn't help but point out the flaws: 'She's supposed to have red hair,' 'the effects are hideous,' 'the book was better.' "No way." He denied.

As Arthur lined up to buy the tickets he could see the others running around, buying food and drinks.

"Oh, oh, get the gummi bears!" From where he waited in line Arthur could hear Gilbert's loud voice clearly.

"You have the choice of so many other things, and you want gummi bears?" Francis asked. "Honestly, you could have these-" he reached for something "-look, 'Dora the Explorer candy.'"

"Dora the Explorer?" Antonio returned with a box of popcorn.

"Really?" Gilbert asked as he looked away from the other bags of candy to see what exactly Francis had found.

"'Delicious gummi characters from the show, strawberry and raspberry flavored, no artificial colors or flavors..."

With the three men laughing their asses off, it was no surprise when the employees tried to calm them down. "Sirs, are you going to buy those or... sirs?"

As Alfred got back to the group with a variety of drinks in his arms, he was greeted by the sight of his friends chanting 'sacrifice her' as Francis held the bag up to the ceiling lights. And, Alfred being Alfred, he joined in.

"Excuse me," Arthur was jolted back to the present as the bored-looking teen behind the counter called to him. "Are you going to buy some tickets or not?"

"Oh, yes, sorry."

When he returned with the tickets, he realized that the others had brought the food and drinks and were waiting. Gilbert was still giggling at the bag of gummies that they had actually brought, and Alfred was already shoveling down popcorn.

"So which screen are we watching?" Antonio asked, peeking over Arthur's shoulder to get a glimpse of the tickets.

"We're in cinema 3." The blond replied.

Looking around, Alfred quickly found the sign right at the end of a long corridor. After exchanging a quick glance with Gilbert, they suddenly took off, Antonio running behind them.

"Hey, slow down!" Arthur yelled. "You'll trip or drop something!"

"They're not listening." Francis grinned, slowly walking after the cheeky men.

As the two arrived at the doors they saw, or rather heard, two voices quietly arguing a voice call out to them. "Franny, Arthur!"

When Francis and Arthur found their seats there was a small scuffle over who was sitting next to who and where the popcorn would be. Alfred and Antonio wanted to sit next to each other so sharing the popcorn would be easier, and there was even a case where Francis argued that if he sat in Gilbert's lap they could save a seat. The latter was denied.

As they waited for the movie to start, Arthur looked to his side to see Alfred already starting on his drink.

"Don't drink it too fast."

Alfred paused and looked at his roommate. "Hm? Wbb?" He swallowed. "Why?"

Arthur put on a deadpan. "You'll need to go to the toilet and you'll miss half the movie."

"No one likes exaggeration, Art!"

"Listen to your own advice, Gilbert." Arthur shot back his reply over Alfred's shoulder before facing the American once again. "My point is, I'm not telling you what you miss."

Alfred laughed. "I can just ask Toni, I didn't think you'd even be paying attention."

The Brit turned back to the large screen, and sunk into his seat. "I'll be paying attention, and I'll be ripping it apart - piece by piece - until you can't stand it."

"You mean criticize it?" Alfred looked bemusedly at the other, almost in disbelief.

"Yes, criticise it. You shouldn't have dragged me along." Arthur huffed, and Alfred almost giggled.

Arthur was right. Even through the trailers: 'Maleficent', 'Strange Magic', 'The Wedding Ringer', he pointed out every flaw he could find.

"I mean yeah, it's based off a comic and it's not supposed to be realistic, but I'm pretty damn sure that's breaking physics, right Alfred? You're good at physics aren't you?"

"Yeah, I am."

"And they give every character but Go Go a weapon, she just gets rope?"

"Well in their defense, Arthur, the edges of the wheels look pretty sharp."

"Shut it, Antonio, Wasabi has that covered."

"Oh shit, animation error!" Gilbert literally _squealed_.

"Where, where?" Arthur was jumping out of his seat by now, and perhaps if they were paying more attention they'd have noticed how done the couple behind them was.

"That looks like a good movie." Alfred smiled.

As Arthur sat back down, he turned to face the other blond. When he did, Alfred was honestly surprised at the smile on his face, it seemed that the Brit got really worked up. "Well it should be. You know what that song in the background was?"

When Alfred shook his head, Arthur deflated a little; more in annoyance than anything else. "It's called 'Immortals' by Fall Out Boy."

"I think I've heard of them," The American seemed to be focusing hard, looking up to the ceiling with a light scowl on his face. "I feel like I've listened to a few of their songs."

Their attention was pulled back to the screen as the lights turned off fully, the movie finally starting.

Throughout the movie, they were absorbed. Gilbert may as well have been the characters themselves, laughing and joining in with the fun, Antonio offering to be Gilbert's shoulder whenever the Prussian doubled over with laughter, Alfred subconsciously emptied both his and Arthur's drinks while his eyes were glued to the screen, Arthur muttered errors and simple solutions under his breath, and Francis's gaze was more often on his friends than the movie.

No more than 30 minutes into the movie, Arthur became distracted by Alfred constantly fidgeting in his peripheral vision. When Arthur finally turned to his roommate to ask what the problem was, he saw that there was and uncomfortable expression on the other's face and two seemingly empty cups beside him.

"You don't...?"

Alfred nodded.

Arthur let out and exasperated sigh, then pulled his legs up to his chest, gesturing for Francis to do the same. "Alfred needs to go." He explained.

When Alfred didn't leave, Arthur scowled. "Go." He hissed.

Alfred ran out of there faster than the Brit had ever seen him move. Considering that Alfred had been late for class on more than one occasion, that was saying something.

"Damn git took my drink." Arthur grumbled.

"You should eat all his popcorn." Francis smirked.

"Hey!" Antonio held the bucket of the buttery deliciousness closer, looking as though he was protecting his own child. "I'm eating it too."

"Move down one seat, Gilbert."

As if broken out of a trance, Gilbert had to look around before figuring out who had asked what of him. "What? Why?"

"You'll see, you too Toni."

In the end, Arthur had gotten all of them to move down a seat. As he continued to watch the movie, the angle was noticeably different.

It wasn't much, but after Alfred's little stunt, Arthur really wanted to make his roommate's head ache.

 **-D.K.E-**

Refreshed and ready to go, Alfred strolled out of the bathroom with a sigh of relief. He walked quickly to the room screening the movie and quietly opened the doors. He counted the rows walking down to the one he believed was theirs.

Sure enough there was his group of friends. Alfred smiled to himself and shifted past people to sit in his seat. He sat down and turned towards Arthur with a sly grin.

"So, what'd I miss?"

"Oh! Well they just discovered that..." Arthur turned toward Alfred sounding extremely interested and his smile faltered upon seeing Alfred's knowing look. "I-I thought I said I wasn't telling you!?" Arthur huffed.

Alfred could clearly see the flustered blush on the other's face even with the blue light of the movie illuminating his features.

"You're totally into the movie!" Alfred laughed quietly at the sputtering Bit.

"I most certainly am not!" Arthur huffed, returning back to the screen. Alfred looked back to the screen but his smile faltered.

Something was off. It wasn't big, but there was definitely something. "Why..." Alfred muttered to himself, brows furrowing in annoyance. He glanced at Antonio to see him munching handfuls of popcorn.

"Hey, Toni..." Alfred called for his friend's attention. The Spaniard turned toward Alfred happily.

"Hmm?" He asked around the food.

"Is something a little off to you?" Alfred asked.

"Huh…" Antonio muttered, a contemplative look in his eyes. He looked down the row at the quietly bickering Francis and Arthur, and beside him at Gilbert who quivered in excitement, staring intensely at the screen. "No, lo siento Alfred. Everything seems fine to me."

"Oh, ok." Alfred said confused. Antonio shrugged and returned to the screen.

Alfred spent the rest of the movie squirming uncomfortably, trying to figure out the difference.

 **-D.K.E-**

"Man that movie was really awesome!" Gilbert yelled, stretching his arms above his head as he marched down the sidewalk, breath fogging in the cold night air.

"I agree, muy fresco!" Antonio cheered beside him.

"Well if you're into that genre of film," Arthur crossed his arms and followed. "It was tolerable I suppose."

"Arthur, can't you just admit that you enjoyed the night?" Francis asked beside him.

"I can't say I didn't enjoy the night," Arthur said slowly, "but I still didn't like the movie!"

"I thought the movie was pretty good but, after going to the bathroom... I got this weird feeling that something wasn't right!" Alfred complained.

It was then that Arthur started chuckling to himself. Francis glanced over to his long-term frenemy and saw the Brit's light smile.

* * *

 **2869 words ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)**

 **Asshole Arthur knows how to fuck with people's minds, don't do drugs, stay in school, and wear a tinfoil cap wherever you go children. On that not, one of the previous names for this chapter was "Switching seats and general mindfuckery" but I wasn't sure how appropriate that was.**

 **Sorry that we can't really get more out than one chapter a month, I think I speak for both of us when I say that I wish I could give you guys a bit more, but thank you for following this story anyway :) on another note I got these cool headphones with red patterns, nice.**

 _ **-Verbally Inescapable**_


	5. Plastic cups and water

**DKE Chapter 4 - Plastic cups and water**

* * *

Alfred would never really understand sleep. He had gotten well over eight hours of sleep the previous night, yet he felt so tired.

He tugged at his bangs as he scribbled down the answer to a problem.

Alfred supposed it was the anticipation. Arthur was, after all, yet to make a move.

 _"It's Wednesday and he's done nothing."_ The American frowned, rather uncharacteristically, his focus on the numbers and symbols slipping. _"Well, nothing's really happened since... that."_

The trip to the movies had been really fun, Alfred didn't have a problem admitting that. Maybe somewhere in the back of his head it had been an attempt to apologize for the lovely bruise he had given his roommate, just _maybe,_ but after Alfred had returned from the toilet...

Something was up...

The blond tried again to focus on the work assigned to the class but found himself glancing at the clock. _"We still have 40 minutes?"_ Alfred almost facedesked but managed to stop himself before he started yelling into his textbook. Honestly, if Alfred had learned anything in these past few weeks, it was that Ms. Lansdown wouldn't stand anyone's melodramatic crap.

Looking around the classroom (and spotting a man with spiky blond hair balancing at least 10 pencils on his face), Alfred sighed. _"What exactly was it that was off?"_ The American asked himself, leaning back in his chair. _"It was something to do with how it looked, wasn't it? I was wearing my glasses the whole time so they couldn't have tampered with them."_

Alfred continued to think. _"He couldn't have actually changed the movie, right? He wouldn't be allowed."_

Suddenly, the clattering of pencils filled the room as the man from before lost control and they fell to the floor. Alfred stared as the professor scolded the blond and picked up the pencils. However, it wasn't 30 seconds after the teacher left his desk when the man continued to act like a 5-year-old.

 _"He looks like Mathias... I wonder if he is Mathias. I should ask him if..."_ Alfred's eyes widened as it all came to him. _"my god."_

"THEY ALL MOVED SEATS!"

"MR. JONES PLEASE SIT DOWN!"

As Alfred stood there, the entire room turned to face him. Even pencilman, who immediately lit up and waved at the American. Alfred gave Mathias a meek wave as he slid back down into his seat, how could he not recognize that hair like come on. Either Mathias had never brushed it or there's a worrying amount of gel involved.

 _"Well."_ Alfred mused. _"That could have gone better."_

 **-D.K.E-**

Alfred walked - his strides long and purposeful - down the halls of the English building, and if he was completely honest he hadn't a clue where he was going. This was the first time he'd even seen this department but he figured he'd see Arthur somewhere around here... eventually... maybe... he hoped.

After only finally realizing the little delusion his roommate had pulled the other day, Alfred knew he had to get him back. Maybe a little 'magic trick' would keep him busy for an hour or two.

"Excuse me, are y-"

Alfred whipped around, maybe too fast because the brunette flinched and stepped back when he did. The other man seemed to be highlighted by his fidgety demeanor and one-or-two-sizes-far-too-large-for-him clothes, his green eyes seemed to flit anywhere but the American.

"S-Sorry, I just assumed, y-you know, that you don't really..." the brunette steadied himself, "you look lost, can I help you?"

"O-Oh!" Alfred exclaimed. "It's uh, I'm looking for my roommate but I don't really know... what classroom he's in...?" He winced. _"Fuckin' brilliant, Al."_

"Ah," the brunette visibly relaxed, "do you know what exactly he's studying?"

Alfred looked to the ceiling in thought. "Well, I think he said he had some huge assignment for English Lit. or something."

"He got it three days in?"

"Yeah."

"Mhm." The other student nodded. "I think I know where your friend is, follow me. I'm Toris, by the way."

Alfred trailed behind Toris as the brunette walked down the hall. "Nice to meet you, I'm Alfred F. Jones!" The American grinned.

Toris glanced over his shoulder and smiled. "It's nice to meet you too."

The two walked in a short yet peaceful silence, broken when Toris came to a halt near the end of a hallway.

"This should be the classroom, unless they've magically switched of course, haha." The brunette gave a weak laugh before checking his watch. "The class should be finished any minute now, so I'll leave you here. I'll see you around."

"See ya, Toris!" Alfred called out as the other left and gave a short wave in farewell.

Only seconds after Toris vanished around the corner, Alfred heard the scraping of chairs against floorboards and the class filtered out the doors. The American received several curious glances but he was too busy searching for the familiar blond mop of unruly hair and piercing green eyes.

Alfred spotted the Brit at the back of the crowd, not in any real hurry like some of the students that were already long gone.

Alfred made his way past the few remaining students and took Arthur by the arm, dragging his roommate along.

"Wait, Alfred? What are...?"

"I've gotta show you something, c'mon!" Alfred kept his voice light and cheery, luckily, Arthur didn't really notice the difference.

Alfred pulled Arthur around the building until he found what he had been looking for.

"Aha!"

"Alfred?"

"Yeah?"

"This is a water dispenser."

"Yeah, isn't it great?" Alfred beamed, and grabbed two of the disposable cups. "I passed it on the way here. I'm gonna show you a magic trick, 'kay?"

Arthur raised an eyebrow as the other blond filled the cups with cool water. "You couldn't wait, huh?" He asked and the American hummed in reply. "What's going to happen then?"

Holding up the cups, both filled to the brim, Alfred replied. "The water's gonna disappear! Come over here..." He gestured to a small table. "Put your hands - palms down - on the table. Don't knock the vase over otherwise you'll be in debt and have to join a host club."

Arthur looked at Alfred as if he was crazy. "Um, what?"

"It's nothing, don't worry about it. Now, I'm gonna balance these on your hands, okay?" Alfred asked and Arthur nodded. "I wouldn't tense up, they'll fall off."

Somehow, maybe it had to do with his understanding of physics or maybe he had done this too many times to count, Alfred got the two plastic cups to sit relatively steady on the backs of Arthur's hands.

"Okay, great!" Alfred got up from the table, now towering above the Brit. "So you stay there and the water should evaporate eventually."

Arthur's eyes widened in shock. "You did not."

Alfred picked up his backpack and started towards the exit, almost running (and for a good reason). "Don't let the floor get wet and have fun!"

"You're unbelievable!"

"See you in a few weeks!"

Alfred gave Arthur a parting wave, and the second the American rounded the corner, he ran for his life.

 **-D.K.E-**

"So... who the fuck are you?"

"I'm a friend of Toni's, please let me in!" Lovino Vargas stared skeptically at the blond outside his... okay maybe his _friend's_ door. "I might only have seconds to live!"

"It's not going to be much better in here, you know that right?"

"Hey, Lovi," a voice from deeper inside the dorm called, "who's at the door?"

Lovino internally cursed. "It's uh... it's just Feli."

"… It's not, isn't it?"

The Italian turned away from the moping Alfred, who was currently curled up on the floor, and faced the inside of the dorm. "God fucking damn it, Toni, the one time you realize I'm lying is now?!"

"I don't know, so who is it?"

"One of your friends or some shit," Lovino poked at Alfred with his toe, "he reckons Arthur's gonna skin him which... well it's a possibility."

Antonio finally emerged from tomatoland and stood at the doorway alongside the other. "A-Are you okay, Alfred?"

"Please hide me."

"Let's leave him." Lovino made a move to shut the door but the Spaniard quickly protested. ("But Lovi..." ;-;) Lovino groaned and stepped aside. "Get in before my foot finds your ass."

 **-D.K.E-**

"That idiot. No common sense at all." Arthur mumbled to himself. He'd been standing near this table, for a good forty-five minutes, in hopes that Alfred would come back for him.

The strangest part of the whole ordeal was the fact that no one had even passed him. Once he thought he'd heard the shuffling of feet but when he'd looked around no one was there.

"He's seriously not coming back." Arthur huffed, glaring at his distorted reflection in the side of the vase that accompanied his trapped hands on the table. "How can I..."

After debating the best course of action, Arthur decided on bending down to try and pick up the cups with his mouth. Of course one nearly spilt because he tensed slightly, but after a while he managed to grip the lip of the disposable cups with his teeth and tip his head back to gulp down the water. He then grabbed at the other with his free hand and drank that too.

"Yes!" Arthur cried in victory, throwing his arms out in excitement, only to yelp as his right hand hit a hard surface. He recoiled into himself, cradling the hand and turning around to see the large vase teetering on the edge of the table.

He lunged forward to save the falling vase, but didn't manage to reach it in time. With a loud crash-thud, the object hit the floor and shattered. After a few moments of terrified shock, Arthur let out the breath he'd been holding.

"At least no one else saw that," Arthur thought, shaking his head and making his way to the exit of the building.

Just as Arthur rounded the corner, a hand snaked out from the shadow of the hallway and pulled him over. Arthur let out a muffled cry before he recognized who it was. Though he didn't see, he did recognize the strong scent and accented voice. He hated it.

"You must pay for breaking that vase, and since you don't have any money, you can pay with your bod- Ow!" Francis let go of the fuming Briton to hold onto his now throbbing nose. "Why, you cynical little troll," Francis growled looking at his long-time frenemy.

"Serves you right." Arthur humphed, crossing his arms in defense. "This is why people think you're so creepy."

"Non, they do not think I'm creepy. They think I'm gorgeous. You are the creepy one, with those imaginary friends of yours." Francis returned, glaring at the other.

"They are not imaginary! You're just jealous that you can't see them," Arthur quipped as he uncrossed his arms and took a threatening step closer to the other.

"You are right." Francis replied in a serious, melodramatic tone. Arthur blinked in confusion at the other, losing the edge in his stance. "I am jealous. Jealous that you spend more time with them than me."

"Wha- I-I... Francis?" Arthur stammered, giving the other a wide-eyed look, and blushing furiously.

"Hah! I cannot believe you fell for that!" France suddenly yelped as the Brit punched him in the arm. He stopped immediately to hold onto his arm. "Ouch, you always resort to violence."

"Th-that's because you always act like a perverted idiot!" Arthur replied. "I don't have time for this anyways. I have some revenge to serve, and for once it's not on you."

"So you and Alfred have not gotten over that little tiff yet?" Francis sighed, making a 'tsking' noise.

"Tiff? The bloody prat won't stop humiliating me with his little pranks. I will win this. If anything, for my pride. Well... and to teach him a lesson." Arthur replied, as he started walking, fully expecting Francis to follow.

"So, do you not like the boy?" Francis asked, raising an eyebrow as he matched the other's stride.

"Not particularly. I mean, I don't dislike him that is. We're roommates, nothing more, nothing less." Arthur reasoned, holding the door open for the other as they briskly walked outside.

"I see." Francis replied, a thoughtful expression on his face. "Do you even know where he is right now?"

The green-eyed blonde stopped suddenly, looking at the other with an embarrassed frown. "Well I, I have a few guesses." He answered noncommittally, averting his gaze.

With a sigh and a roll of his eyes, Francis grabbed the other's arm and started pulling him along. "He's hiding with Antonio."

After a long walk filled with a mix of bickering, teasing, and familiar conversation, they finally made it to the door. Francis opened it and strolled in, no warning at all.

Arthur followed in, a bit less confidently, but unhesitatingly nonetheless.

"Francy!" Antonio jumped up from sitting on the couch with Lovino, watching some Spanish TV show. He laughed as he ran up to the other and hugged him, not yet noticing Arthur.

"Hey Toni. Lovino." Francis nodded at the other as he returned the hug.

"Where's Alfred?" Arthur asked looking around the room suspiciously.

"What? There's no Alfred here. What makes you think he-" Antonio started, not looking Arthur in the eyes.

"He's in the closet."

"Lovi!" Antonio cried in disdain, looking at the annoyed Italian.

"We're fucking watching this show." Lovino shrugged looking back at the television set. "These bastards are interrupting."

"Thank you Lovino." Arthur said nodding at the other, as he walked over to the closet.

"Whatever."

"N-no wait. Arthur! Please don't kill Al!" Antonio pleaded as he followed behind a storming Arthur.

"I'm not that violent." Arthur calmly opened the door to see Alfred sitting in the far corner playing a game on his phone. When the door opened he looked up, giving Arthur the look of a deer caught in the headlights of a car.

"Heeeyy..." Alfred said, giving Arthur a nervous wave.

"You've made me miss an important meeting Alfred." Arthur stated nearly monotonous.

"Oh, really?" Alfred jumped up looking alarmed.

"Yes." Arthur nodded turning around and walking away. Alfred cautiously followed him out of the door, waving at the goodbye calls from his three friends.

"Perhaps next time, you'll miss something important to you."

 **-D.K.E-**

*Poof!*

Arthur heard the distinct thud of footsteps as the Brit tried to wake himself enough to figure out what was happening.

There was... a pillow. Yep, right in his face. Probably decorated with comic book characters and definitely Alfreds. Alfred was also no longer in his own bed. Actually, he wasn't even in the room.

Arthur's eyes flickered over to his alarm clock. 6:42AM, Thursday. Yeah, no. No matter how many pillows his roommate threw at him, he was going back to sleep.

* * *

 **Oh FFN, how you wound me. You go down for a day and I can't upload a chapter *falls to her knees* I am slain.  
**

 **OHSHC is life, and vases are complete assholes. I bet it cost 8000 yen, that prickly... fancy... piece of glass! Just going ahead and breaking whenever someone hits you, pretty rude isn't it? Why not just give the vase an apple to make it look like even more of an asshole.**

 _ **-Verbally Inescapable**_


	6. It was autocorrect, I swear!

**Chapter 5 - "It was autocorrect, I swear!"**

* * *

It was a sunny Friday afternoon when Alfred raced out of class, raring to go to Gilbert's dorm. That afternoon they had planned to play a few video games that the American himself didn't own. Alfred pulled his phone out of his back pocket and unlocked the screen.

 **From: Alfred [15:38]  
Goin to gils  
Try to hold in ur tears ;)**

 **From: Arthur [15:39]  
I won't cry, don't worry about that.**

 **From: Alfred [15:39]  
D:  
Ur so mean**

Arthur sighed as he received the text from his roommate. Instead of replying to Alfred, he went back to his messages and opened up another, this one between him and Gilbert.

 **From: Gilbert [3:29]  
Its 3 I rhe mornin an im gona fight a bear jus u wtch  
WIR SIND DAS ESSEN NEIN WIR SIND DIE JAGER**

 **I los  
The zo ppl r mad me :(**

Okay, Arthur hadn't seen those. _"Idiot. So that's why he was patched up."_ The blond grimaced and sent his message.

 **From: Arthur [15:40]  
So you did manage to get Alfred to visit you?**

 **From: Gilbert [15:41]  
Uh yea duh  
I told him I had garden warfare and he was fawnin over it i swear**

 **From: Arthur [15:41]  
So you've got everything prepared?**

 **From: Gilbert [15:41]  
Ye, so long as you can keep him long enough**

 **From: Arthur [15:41]  
Don't worry, I will.**

 **From: Gilbert [15:41]  
Alright**

Arthur smirked, slipping his phone into his pocket. Game time. Arthur made his way to the bathroom after a quick stop on the kitchen. This was going to be great.

 **-D.K.E-**

 _Knock, knock, knock!_

Alfred shifted his weight from foot to foot as he heard footsteps running to the door, along with many other things actually. The sound of tables banging into walls, plastic bags being crushed underfoot, chairs falling over, Alfred swore he heard a cat screech.

Alfred's eyes were drawn to the door handle as it was opened slightly and the albino's face could be seen peeking out from behind.

"Hey, Al." Gilbert chirped.

"What are you doing?" Alfred asked.

"Just, ahh..." Gilbert straightened up, and opened the door a little more. "Just making sure that it's you. My roommate's out at the moment, not sure what they're doing, but..."

"Oh, okay." Gilbert cleared his throat and looked away. Alfred didn't have a clue what was going through his friend's mind, was he embarrassed? Did he not like his roommate?

"Anyway," Gilbert stepped back and finally opened the door enough for Alfred to see the inside of the Prussian's dorm. "Welcome to the lair."

As Alfred had guessed, it was a mess. The blond could see a sort of path through the trash and furniture where Gilbert had moved to answer the door. It wasn't exactly unpleasant, just... messy. "How does your roommate deal with this?"

"You're asking me." Gilbert rolled his eyes as he closed the door behind them. Gesturing to a small cabinet beside a large TV, he added, "All the games are in there, look through them if ya like. Uh, you want chips or anything?"

"You got cornchips?" Alfred asked as he stepped over... well, _whatever that was_ , to get to the TV.

"Yup, hold on while I just..." Clothes and trash were moved out of the way as Gilbert made another path to his **(considerably larger)** kitchen while Alfred filed through stacks of video games.

"Jesus, you have a lot of games... oh hey, Kinect games."

"We are not going on a Kinect Adventure." Gilbert frowned as he reached for a packet on the top shelf.

While the American went through the games, Gilbert made his way toward his friend, balancing stacks of food in his arms and crook of his neck.

"Okay, so," the albino sat down, dumping the snacks around him. "Toni and Lovi are gonna play Garden Warfare with us later, you may hear Franny in the background."

"Franny's Francis, right?" Alfred asked.

"Yup," Gilbert leaned back against the sofa as the Xbox started up. "So, for future reference, Franny's really smart. Like, _really smart_. He tends to pick up on little things and sometimes that can be the last thing you want. Just saying, y'know."

Alfred took a controller as he thought over the advice Gilbert had given him. "Okay, I'll try to remember that."

"Alrighty, which game d'ya wanna play first?"

 **-D.K.E-**

 _"Fucking shit-"_

"I'm not even gonna ask you to stop swear-"

 _"Shit fu- the crap was that for?"_

"-ing anymore, it seems pretty useless."

"I can hear you from across the yard, Lovino, what-"

 _"Aww... Lovi,"_

 _"No."_

"What?"

 _"No 'Lovi', nuh uh, nope, stop that and help me beat up this motherfucking zombie."_

"Toni's a fucking sunflower, what the hell's he gonna do? Shoot rainbows and beams of light?"

"He can just smile and the same thing happens."

 _"Thanks!"_

"Whoa, Al, you slipped right past my gaydar, I didn't k-"

"I'm stating the facts, okay?"

 _"Fucking shitty- what- he did it again!"_

"No, Lovino, I can actually hear you from here." Alfred looked out of the dorm window and across the yard. Even with his headset off, he could still hear the Italian yelling profanities at the other players.

"Oh jeez, you weren't kidding, you can hear him!" Alfred could tell the Prussian was smiling, even though he didn't look at his face.

Before Alfred could slip his headset back on, his phone started to ring.

"Huh?" Gilbert turned away from the TV screen. "Who is it?"

Alfred got up and hopped over to his phone. "It's... Arthur?"

"H- what?" Gilbert cleared his throat. "Answer it, heck, if he's ringing you it's probably important."

"I guess..." Alfred mumbled before answering the phone. "Hello?"

 _"There's a leak in the bathroom."_

"A... wait, what?"

 _"A leak. You can fix leaks, right?"_

"Uhh... n-"

 _"Great, get your arse over here."_

The blond snapped his jaw shut and set his phone down as his roommate hung up.

"So? What was it?" Gilbert asked.

"I don't know how to fix leaks..."

"There's a leak?"

"Appare-"

"Then you'd better go, just use duct tape or something, boy if only my brother were here." Gilbert pulled Alfred away from the table and pushed him to the door. "Luddy can fix anything except relationships, he's crap with stuff like that. Anyway, go!"

"I- okay, shit."

Gilbert opened the door and pushed Alfred out into the hall. "Run, damn it!"

"I know, I'll be back, okay?" Alfred shouted back to the albino as he sped down the hall.

 **-D.K.E-**

Slamming open the door, Alfred leaned against the wall, trying to catch his breath.

"Hello."

"Nn?" Alfred grumbled as he looked up. Arthur was in probably one of the _strangest_ positions Alfred had seen to that day, bent in half with one of his legs swung over the back of the chair.

"The leak's in the bathroom." The Brit told his roommate.

"Why are you just reading?" Alfred asked airily, still out of breath from the run over.

"Oh, well... it's not that bad, it can wait a while."

The American sputtered and asked: "What? Why did yo- I thought it was an emergency! I was worried damn it!"

"I'd rather it was gone now then later. Come on, I'll show you where it is." Arthur got up from his odd position and walked over to the bathroom, Alfred following. The bathroom, though larger than the dam kitchen, was rather cramped and didn't easily fit two adults. Arthur stood to the side as the other blond kneeled in front of the cabinet under the basin.

"In here, right?" Alfred asked.

"Yeah."

As he opened the doors, Alfred wasn't exactly sure what to expect. Would it just be a small dribble, already lousily wrapped in duct tape? For some reason, the latter wouldn't have surprised him.

What he didn't expect was to see a vegetable sitting there. He could hear Arthur's faint laughter as he stared at the leek.

"You serious?" Arthur nodded and let a few giggles slip loose. It was when Alfred threw the leek at him that Arthur could no longer hide his laughter and doubled over in hysterics. Alfred couldn't help a small smile, the guy's laugh was contagious. "I'm going back to Gilberts, okay? Don't die on me."

Arthur barely managed to give his roommate a nod as Alfred left the dorm.

 **-D.K.E-**

After a moment of thinking, Gilbert felt the iniquitous grin slide onto his face as he typed.

 **Phrase : I'm secretly obsessed with Kim Kardashian  
Shortcut : Hey**

 **-D.K.E-**

"I'm bored." Alfred complained, watching his roommate from across the room.

"Hmm." Arthur hummed, laying on his back, legs resting vertically against the wall. He held a book just barely above his face.

"What should I doooo?" Alfred whined throwing his pillow at Arthur. It hit the other blondes head and fell into the floor.

"Text someone. I don't know Alfred." Arthur replied, not even glancing up.

Alfred smirked whipping out his cell phone. He opened up his messages to Arthur and typed a short message.

 **From: Alfred [16:58]  
Hey**

He watched as Arthur slightly jumped at the boring double-beep ringtone from his pocket, holding back snickers as the other stuck a hand underneath himself and wiggled the device out of his back pocket.

Alfred was expecting a fuming glare. Instead, Arthur let out a loud bark of laughter, complete with a little snort. "Gee Alfred. That's uh... alright then."

"What?"

"Your rather... interesting text. Shall I share a secret of mine?" Arthur teased. Alfred furrowed his brows and grabbed his phone from beside his leg.

 **From: Alfred [16:58]**

 **I'm secretly obsessed with Kim Kardashian**

" _What the-"_

"I never said that!" Alfred defended, throwing his hands in the air.

"Sure alright." Arthur drawled, returning back to his book.

"I didn't!"

 _"Fucking weirdest autocorrect ever."_ Alfred grumbled, sitting back into his bed with a scowl. Why the heck would it do that?

He opened up a new message to Gil. Maybe he knew what was up.

 **From: Alfred [16:59]  
Dude**

The reply was instantaneous.

 **From: Gilbert [16:59]  
K?  
If ur into that**

Alfred frowned and scrolled up a little to his most recently sent message.

 **From: Alfred [16:59]  
Evan Peters is BAE**

"WHAT THE FUCK!" Alfred practically screeched, jumping up indignantly. Alfred walked over to Arthur and shoved his phone between the others face and book.

"Do you see that?"

"Really, Alfred?" Arthur asked lifting an eyebrow at him.

"I KNOW RIGHT!"

"I never pegged you as the Evan Peters type."

"No! I didn't send that!" Alfred whined and stalked back to his bed. What was going on?

Alfred opened a message to Gilbert again.

 **From: Alfred [17:00]  
omg  
help me!**

 **From: Gilbert [17:01]  
dude  
is evrything ok**

Alfred groaned. He was scared to look.

 **From: Alfred [17:00]  
Kylie Jenner is hot af  
I have the hugest crush on Betty White!**

"I do NOT have a crush on freakin' Betty White!"

Alfred stopped when he heard the loud peals of laughter from his roommate. Arthur... Arthur.

"You didn't!" Alfred roared, closing in on the red faced Brit. He had laughed so hard he was barely breathing.

 **-D.K.E-**

"Why are you laughing so much?"

Gilbert looked up at his two best friends for a minute before glancing back at his phone. Was it worth the punch in the face he'd get when Alfred realized he showed someone else? Yes. Yes it was.

He jumped up to show the texts from Alfred to both Francis and Antonio.

"Mon dieu!"

"Qué?"

All three of them burst into a fit of laughter. Gilbert screenshot the conversation with a smirk. Blackmail could always come in handy.

* * *

 **This may be my favourite chapter so far oml. I need to bring this up again later. Um, oh yeah, sorry it's a day late, hehe, technical difficulties. Fun fact, sunflowers in Garden Warfare were totally not inspired by Antonio. At all. Nope. Thanks for reading!**

 **(psst. I had my birthday last Sunday. :^))**

 _ **-Verbally Inescapable**_


End file.
